A new day!

I am really excited about the challenge. My name is Amber Stafford (30) and I have been married to my husband, Ben (33) for a little over 10 years. We met when I was 13 and became long distance friends. We both lead separate lives other than the occasional visit or phone call to catch up. We started dating when I was 18 and was married a year and a half later. We do not have any children but hopefully someday we will. We both want children so bad that we find ourselves sitting in restaurants in complete silence while we are both staring at the little family across the way with kids. I find myself missing the attention he used to give to me. I remember when we used to set and cuddle for hours and play the "what if" game. You know the "what if" we won the lottery, "what if" we moved to......etc. Now I feel like we are best friends who live together. He is definitely my best friend but I feel like the intimate relationship we once had is more of a friendship. I will get upset if he does not react to my attempts to cuddle the way I want him to then I just stop attempting and build a wall. With him he is to the point (which is probably completely normal) that it is all or nothing. I am OCD to the core, I will break my back doing everything myself so that it is "perfect". Ben and I have a great working relationship. Everything from housecleaning to shopping, from yard work to laundry, we work excellent together. He is definitely not the typical man in that aspect. But I need to figure out a way to still get done the things that have to be done without making him feel like he is always on the back burner. If I am working on a project I will focus on it and get it done while he feels like I'm ignoring him. I just feel like it is always a race with time and the time seems to win. Ben has hardened over our ten years. He went from being a laid back, easy going, jolly guy to being almost cold sometimes. I really feel like it has to do with three major events. One being the loss of his Mom to MS about 5 years ago. The second is my parents divorce. And the third one, the one that effects him the most is my brother's suicide. They were best friends, inseparable, soul mates, the only brother the either one had. We have talked about it and he always says that losing Rodney was the hardest thing he has ever been through. I want my loving, soft hearted, giving husband back. I feel like I am doing the complete opposite then what I should be because it only seems to get worse. We don't really fight. Don't get me wrong we disagree but usually it is more about silly things like where should we eat dinner. We for the most part have the same feelings and opinions on matters. I am just really excited to learn how to follow what God has probably been trying to show me and I just haven't listened.