Staying Focused

My husband was out of town last weekend and I thought it would be so easy to keep up while he was gone........boy was I wrong! I have been struggling all week to catch up but after last night I feel much better. It is so easy to just react the way you feel because it is so much harder to think about your actions. An example being that yesterday my husband passed a message to me from someone else, although I told him it wasn't his fault that the situation existed I vented to him and by the time I was done I am sure he felt defeated and broken. The whole time I was thinking, Amber just think about it and don't get so upset, remember the book (and not necessarily the book but Him)! But I was just like oh this is how I feel and I need to get it out....... So yes the book is easy when everything is fine but when it isn't going "your" way it is really hard to maybe not remember but to keep focused! The day I bought Ben something was like that feeling on Christmas morning. Although I only spent $15.00 he was just soooo surprised that I would get him something "just because". He loved it and the look in his eyes was priceless!! It is crazy to think how much we women know that we LOVE to get the just because flowers and cards but we have a hard time doing this for our husbands. I need to really think about how if it is something I like that he might enjoy it as well. And no matter if he does those things for me or not should not be the reason I do them. I should do what I feel is right and do it from the heart not because it is my duty or because it is expected of me. I asked him about the 3 irritating things and he said "everything is great I can't think of anything". I told him not matter how great things are that I wasn't perfect and I really wanted him to think about it. In so many words he asked me if the question was going to turn around on him so that I could answer. That made me realize a lot. I told him that if he wanted me to share that I would but that I wanted to know so that I could really think about things because there is always room for me to improve. He looked like he was slapped in the face, the look of wow she cares enough about me to ask me and to really truly care about my answers and this isn't a way to turn it back around on me. So after 2 days of thinking he only thought of 2 but I told him "he owed me" one more and that I really wanted him to think about it. I really wasn't worried about what his responses would be I was more worried at the reaction to such a question. Like he would get defensive. This takes me back to the earlier statement I made about living together and getting so caught up in life that you feel more like best friends and less like lovers. Some how we have gotten away from meaningful conversation without realizing it and when that happens the lines of communication are broken. It once was so easy to tell him everything; every feeling, every fear, every desire and we have fallen into the how was your day, fine, how was yours. It's almost like we sound like a broken record day after day. I long for the line of true communication to be fixed and no longer broken. This book has really opened my eyes to the fact I really am selfish, which I never thought I was before. But the book just explains it so well. Like how we are team mates and no one wants a team mate who will be against them or judge them or point out their wrongs all the time. I shouldn't do or not do something based on what Ben has or hasn't done for me. I should do what is "right" no matter what. One thing in our marriage that is a good example of this is, why should I do this, it's "his" job or "he" wouldn't do it for me. I have always lectured to him about two wrongs don't make a right but for some reason I apply this to everyone but Ben. That makes me sad. I look forward to this journey and I am thankful that I my eyes are being opened no matter how painful it is!!